"A-Laugh-Istan" or "How Obama Got Into Stand-up"

During the Dark Ages of Bush's reign, I often wondered how I had come to detest the Clinton administration so much when it was rolling along.  I must have been crazy, often trotted through my mind.  Compared to this nut-job, he must have been the best president ever.  Tonight, after Obama's speech, I was reminded why.  Obama's stand-up is no better than Clinton's, and honestly, just as tired.

Obama: I just flew into West-Point and boy are my arms tired.  [Laughter]  No really, I went to the doctor and told him it hurts when I do this.  He said, don't do that.  [Laughter]  Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get Al Qaeda.  [Crickets]

Not to belabor the point, but the logic of Obama's speech went something like this:  "We have to increase our involvement in Afghanistan because Al Qaeda is there.  And Al Qaeda is bad, so we must destroy them.  The Taliban (100% USDA approved) is harboring Al Qaeda, so we must go after the Taliban.  And if we go after the Taliban we will free the Afghan people.  And freeing them will allow them to have democracy and fun and cool things like cotton candy and nose-hair clippers."  So, going after Al Qaeda equals cotton candy and nose-hair clippers.  Right?  Right.

You're going to increase US troop levels (escalate a war) because we have to free the Afghan people? Or to get Al Qaeda--which will protect the American people?  Which is it, Snow-bama?  He conflated so many points it was like trying to swallow a deep fried chocolate-chocolate cake that was stuffed into a turkey and smothered in hollandaise sauce.  You can't really eat the thing, and the combination would make you want to puke anyway.

According to the U.S. national security adviser's own numbers (October National Security Council--Harper's Magazine) there are 100 active Al Qaeda members operating in Afghanistan.  100!!!  Obama didn't tell you that, did he?  Unless they have commandeered a starship and have recruited members of Al Qaeda from all over the galaxy to plunder the human slaves here on Earth, that number likely hasn't changed much in a month.  Am I on crazy here, or what?  We're going to spend BILLIONS of desperately needed dollars to go after a handful of toothless idiots that barely have enough ammo to fire off their kalashnikovs?  Woe the republic.  Don't even get me started on how many deaths Al Qaeda has actually caused in the last eight years compared to something like, I dunno, peanut allergies.

The truth of the matter is this: Obama was never, and will never be, a progressive or even left leaning president.  The political and idealogical spectrum has moved so far right that what's looks left now are really the conservatives of old.  If Yo-bama were told to dress up like a true democrat for Halloween, he'd have to show up naked, cuz he don't know what one looks like.  For the record, so would I.  Not that I don't know what one looks like, but dressing up like an extinct species makes me sad.  I think I'll pass.  From now on I'm voting Green or not at all.  Good luck, Blow-bama--you just nuked your base from orbit.  I hope the glow keeps you warm for awhile.

On a scale of 1-5 megatons, 1 being the asshole that leaves the carton in the refrigerator with half a gulp of milk in the bottom and 5 being Karl Rove, I give Obama

4 MEGATONS!!!  You've shown that you're nothing more than a mouthpiece for anything sane, and you've dashed the hopes of millions on the sharp rocks of your folly. (The mushroom clouds are green today to reflect my nausea with the whole thing.)